Monday 27 October 2008

Reflections on reflections....

So I've been reflecting on the wait for AT we still have ahead of us (yes, we've been waiting so long that some of us have now turned to thinking about waiting!), and I've realised that... even if in some ways it's frustrating to have to wait, and some days I really just want to dive into (no pun intended) the heart of the game itself and drink in all it has to offer, be thrilled and elated and moved to tears by having it hit me all at once, there's something precious about this time right now, too.

I've heard enough to anticipate, to be already putting together my own pictures in my head of what the story will bring. I'm sure there are parts of the actual game that will exceed my imaginings, surprise me, move me in ways I'd never have thought of; I've been told that there are events I'm going to love. I'm sure once it's done I'll be brimming with new tales to tell, new ways to expand upon and spin out the vast amount of information I've taken in and emotion I've been inspired to. But I'm sure there are things that will go completely other than I imagine in ways that aren't necessarily better than my own ideas, just different. And I'm sure there are things where I'll say, "you know, I liked the way it went in my head better". And once I've seen the real thing, the imaginings in my head just won't be quite the same. They won't seem as valid, won't seem as "real", compared to what's actually in front of me.

I'm sure, when all is said and done, the complete experience that is AT2 will, overall, exceed the projected experience I've created in my head. I'm sure I won't mind having to let go of some of my ideas about the game in exchange for being presented with a story that fuels my imagination in whole new ways. I'm just saying that what I have right now is special, also, in that these moments I have with my own constructed image of what the game is like won't last forever; instead of waiting impatiently for them to be over so that I can have the real thing, I should cherish what's in my head, too, and enjoy the game later, when it's its time.

We don't often stop to reflect on the fact that for every anticipated thing-- an event, a visit to a new destination, or anything else-- there's a picture of it in our mind that we once obsessed over, and that we never quite retain once the real thing is over. Even if the real thing turns out to improve upon that picture in every way, it's still something that should be valued while you have it, because it's unique.

Not very coherent today, and this probably would have made more sense if I felt more awake, but it was running through my head, so....

16 comments:

Velivolum said...

You don't know me, but I just wanted to say that you are a very interesting person, and that I sympathize with so much of what you said.

When there's a conflict between my version of a story and the canon, I generally "compartmentalize" both versions in my mind so that neither one needs to be sacrificed for adoption of the other. In essence, I keep two storylines going at the same time, though admittedly they do influence one another; sometimes they converge, sometimes not.

I know that not everyone is comfortable doing this, and the validity problem you mentioned is a legitimate concern (of course I'm not immune to it either). But your creations and interpretations don't have to be special only momentarily. Like you said, they are precious--perhaps even more so than the canon, at least on a personal level--and you shouldn't ever feel obliged to give them up.

(Sorry, that was more rambly than I had intended. Hope I didn't misunderstand you?)

Ayulsa said...

No, no, you didn't misunderstand (no small feat given how out of it I was when I wrote that), and thank you very much for the insightful words!

Hm, how to put it; I feel like I'm good at doing this once I've already played a game and decided what I think of it, and in some senses my personal canon can often remain if a future game comes out, but it's often hard for the new material not to affect the old in some ways, often more subtle ways.

It's like... it's a bit difficult to describe, but I have a picture of what the world looks like in my head, and events that could possibly happen associated with it, and while things like my personal interpretations of the characters won't change, and if I don't like the way characters I like are portrayed in the sequel I'll tend to cling to my own interpretations, there's a sort of nebulous world-in-my-head, the stage upon which I'm playing out a lot of imagined stories right now, that might not survive so well once I've seen the real thing.

It's like... say I've never been to Spain, and I'm going on a trip soon, and I start imagining what it's going to be like based on some things I've heard, and then I go there and the real Spain is different. I might start to forget the Spain I made up and dreamed about, and the adventures I imagined I'd have there. Does that make sense?

Regarding the right to one's own personal canon, though, I definitely do agree. Some of my fics may already diverge a little from canon, but that's okay in my book; they're reflections of what's precious about the game to me, what I personally took from that world.

Mind if I ask how you found me? I'd like to talk to you more....

Anonymous said...

I think that while it's easy to want to continue to value your old ideas, it's a little harder to remember them so freshly when they've been overwritten by a full sensory experience with thousands of vivid pictures, sounds, and words physically displayed to you over the course of 60 to 90 hours of gameplay. It's like trying to value a bicycle you wanted badly when you were five: you might even still sentimentally care about it and have the delicious feelings you imagined about it, but all of your experiences since then have layered on top of it so much that you no longer have the fresh sharp longing, and you might not even remember exactly what it looked like.

If I'm reading the entry right, it sounds like Ayulsa is saying he wants to value what he has now, but he knows that it's never quite going to be as fresh and sharp as it is today. And that's different from not feeling "permitted" to value canon-- it's more like knowing you'd better eat the cookies while they're fresh out of the oven because they won't be as chewy tomorrow.

Ayulsa said...

@haounomiko:

while it's easy to want to continue to value your old ideas, it's a little harder to remember them so freshly when they've been overwritten by a full sensory experience with thousands of vivid pictures, sounds, and words physically displayed to you over the course of 60 to 90 hours of gameplay

...precisely. This is pretty much what I wanted to say in that entry, but because I was groggy, I completely failed at doing it. XD

I think my ideas about the characters will generally stick, but the images I hold of the world, my precise imaginings, will blur as the real thing impacts me with more vivid imagery. It's the latter that I wish to value in the here and now, less my personal concepts and interpretations of the characters as such.

Ayulsa said...

(Also, did someone say... cookies? *passes around a fresh batch, get them while the payload's still hot!*)

aquagon said...

I aggree mostly with you (that was the strongest reason I had to play AT2 in JP, since I was eager to see if the mental imagery I had of the game was somewhat similar to the actual game); and I have a phrase that kinds-of reflect what you were trying to say:

"It is not always about the goal you want to reach, but the way you go to reach it".

Anonymous said...

Re cookies, melodramatic final boss organ music with operatic chorus says: "Oreos are now upon us."

Ayulsa said...

...I really love the fact that that bizarre linkage exists.

Anonymous said...

I misread that comment to have only one occurrence of the word "that" in it, and I thought, "When is full-body armour with exposed hips not bizarre?"

So that's why Sephiroth floats. I understand now.

Ayulsa said...

The linkage pun was wholly intentional, even if I didn't intend for it to be misread. XD

And, yes. Cookies, through association with Shurelia via a really bad pun, give you wings. Or possibly wing, in some cases.

Anonymous said...

The result of all this is that I want Oreos, and I don't have any. Sigh.

(Apologies from bringing the intellectual content level of your blog comments down from metacanon observations to "I want Oreos".)

Ayulsa said...

It's quite all right. velivolum can feel free to pick the discussion back up if he/she should return (I hope they do); in the meantime, we can bemoan our lack of craving-fulfilling snackage! XD

Velivolum said...

Aww, thank you. =) Did I miss the cookies?

It's quite all right. velivolum can feel free to pick the discussion back up if he/she should return (I hope they do)...

Yes sir! xD

I see what you guys mean. It's definitely difficult, if not downright impossible, to keep the official canon from overlaying one's headcanon. I do agree that we should treasure the nebulous, nascent world while it's still intact. But now that I think about it, there seems to be a sort of evolution, in the sense of "whoever wants to be born must first destroy a world," only "destroy" is too strong of a word--perhaps "transform" will do? You now have a fuzzy idea of what the story might be, and you have the choice of either sticking with that or moving onto the more vivid version. I assume you'll choose the latter. Nevertheless, just as the canon will affect your constructed image, your imaginings will also be crucial to your experience of the game. It's like how a bird must destroy its egg in order to be born, but the egg isn't any less significant to the bird because of this fact. The "egg-world" never truly leaves you. I think we are on the same page in this regard, though.

(In case you were wondering--and, uh, so I don't plagiarize--the quotation and the bird/egg analogy are borrowed from Hermann Hesse's Demian.)

Anyway, I propose the invention of a machine capable of precisely recording mental images and movies. =P Until that happens, though, it's good that you are at least recording parts of your imaginings through stories. Besides, isn't story writing often akin to what people do in real life in an attempt to preserve fleeting moments (ex. taking photographs)?

As for how I found your blog...I was on a random search for Ar tonelico fansites, having recently finished the game, when I stumbled across this place after some random blog-hopping. >.> Incidentally, I'm also rather fond of Mir's character, though I haven't had the chance to analyze as much as you have.

Ayulsa said...

Aww, thank you. =) Did I miss the cookies?

No, no! There are always cookies for the taking here. Freshly-baked little packets of mental infiltration, get 'em while they're... I mean, yes, cookies, come get your cookies, resemblance of name to small unobtrusive files designed to track your every movement entirely a coincidence~!

I do agree that we should treasure the nebulous, nascent world while it's still intact.

*nods.* And I think the crux of what I was saying here is that, while I know I'll more greatly value the world that I'll only get to know if I "destroy/transform" this one, and I'll be glad I had that vivid experience instead of keeping the nebulous image in my head, I'm realising that right now I have something precious that I should treasure while it's here instead of spending all my time hoping for the better thing to come along.

I'd been spending almost all my time just wishing for the gap between now and AT2's release to close, and not giving much thought at all to the fact that I have something right now that I won't always have. It's not superior, necessarily, but it's unique, and I should spend more time valuing it, while I have it and while it's all that I have and I may as well be valuing it instead of pining for it.

Nevertheless, just as the canon will affect your constructed image, your imaginings will also be crucial to your experience of the game.

That's true. I do like that I've had this opportunity to go a bit fan-crazy about AT2, to speculate and anticipate, before the game comes out. I usually come to fandoms very late, and that worked-up squeeful anticipatory feeling is something that's new to me, and that I'm rather enjoying (even if it's almost unbearably intense at times and I'm flooded with the desire to just... open my mouth and spontaneously sing in Hymmnos, or something. Which almost feels like it might happen, sometimes, even if I know that it wouldn't).

(In case you were wondering--and, uh, so I don't plagiarize--the quotation and the bird/egg analogy are borrowed from Hermann Hesse's Demian.)

...I'm greatly amused, since I used the selfsame quotation in a fan-hymn I posted on here a while back, except I borrowed it one-step-removed from Utena. XD

Anyway, I propose the invention of a machine capable of precisely recording mental images and movies. =P

Oh yes. Heck yes. The fanvids I'd create...! (I seriously wish I could create AMVs with my mind. I create a new one for Ar Tonelico almost every time I listen to something, lately, and yet they remain, for now at least, trapped in my head.)

Until that happens, though, it's good that you are at least recording parts of your imaginings through stories. Besides, isn't story writing often akin to what people do in real life in an attempt to preserve fleeting moments (ex. taking photographs)?

Ah, very true-- or blogging about it, or keeping diaries, yes. Or sometimes, just literally writing stories.

I suppose you can say my fanfics are something of a record of the nascent mental world that, currently, exists for me in the span between AT1 and AT2 (in more than one sense, in that a lot of my imaginings are set before AT2 but after AT1, since obviously I don't really know the events of AT2, and also in that it's a world whose existence will span the time between my playing the two). I like that. :)

As for how I found your blog...I was on a random search for Ar tonelico fansites, having recently finished the game, when I stumbled across this place after some random blog-hopping. >.>

Ah! Well, now I know. :) (I find a lot of places through random blog-hopping, as I have an insatiable habit of combing throuh Google for AT stuff. And subsequently trying to dodge most of the spoilers. XP)

Incidentally, I'm also rather fond of Mir's character, though I haven't had the chance to analyze as much as you have.

:) It's always a happy thing to have another fan on board! I'm anticipating many more drawn-out discussions and analyses showing up here once I start playing AT2, so maybe I'll see you about for some of those?

Velivolum said...

I'm realising that right now I have something precious that I should treasure while it's here instead of spending all my time hoping for the better thing to come along.

Ah, I understand your point better now, and I wholeheartedly agree. Our conversation reminds me a little of this poem.

...even if it's almost unbearably intense at times and I'm flooded with the desire to just... open my mouth and spontaneously sing in Hymmnos, or something.

YES. Exactly. Also, for some reason, it makes me far happier than I should be to see others go fan-crazy.

...I'm greatly amused, since I used the selfsame quotation in a fan-hymn I posted on here a while back, except I borrowed it one-step-removed from Utena. XD

Oooh, shiny! The analogy was indeed deliberate, given Mir's character, though I didn't see the hymn until now. And now that I have, I can say that it breaks my heart more than just a bit. You've captured a sense of "flutteriness" and resolution, and of hope and agitation, all at once.

And now I'm wondering what would happen during those moments when your imagination rage utterly out of control. o.o

I probably won't be getting AT2 anytime soon after its release, but that's what the internet is for... *glances at small unobtrusive cookies*

Ayulsa said...

...seriously, who are you and why do you live in my head? XD Because my all-time favourite poem is by Walt Whitman. I know Reyvateils aren't supposed to remember what goes on in their Cosmospheres, but I at least feel like I should've known you dived... XD;

YES. Exactly. Also, for some reason, it makes me far happier than I should be to see others go fan-crazy.

I totally understand. I love seeing people inspired by fannishness to the point where they're almost breathless, lit up from the inside by it. I suppose it's because I see a validation of my own intensity reflected there; I see someone who, if they could see inside my heart, would completely get it, even if we didn't share the same fandom, and that's a really heartwarming thing to know.

Oooh, shiny! The analogy was indeed deliberate, given Mir's character, though I didn't see the hymn until now.

*nods* And on my part too, when I used it in the hymn. It just seemed a perfect reference for Mir.

And now that I have, I can say that it breaks my heart more than just a bit. You've captured a sense of "flutteriness" and resolution, and of hope and agitation, all at once.

Ah... I'm genuinely touched. That it could have been that moving... I mean, that's the hope with fanworks, isn't it? That they inspire, that they move, that they come close to generating a flicker of the intensity we felt from the original. That's what we're all trying to do, with story; to tell the things that got caught up in us and hope they get caught up in someone else, too. I'm glad you liked it, and I'm glad I could apparently do Mir some justice.

And now I'm wondering what would happen during those moments when your imagination rage utterly out of control. o.o

I... usually am not terribly coherent during them. XD; Those times are usually when I want to generate fanworks most intensely, yet when my brain is buzzing way too much to do so clearly. Often I'll just find some way to get wrapped up in whatever I'm fanning over (with AT, listening to the hymns works wonders), and just curl up and dwell within it, I guess.

I probably won't be getting AT2 anytime soon after its release, but that's what the internet is for... *glances at small unobtrusive cookies*

*a tempting, chocolatey scent wafts in your direction... with just a slightest hint of decadent corruption... so hard to resiiiiiiist...*